My last pregnancy

 I finally thought that perhaps it was time to restart this little blog, to try and document a little of Elin's life and the pictures we've taken so far. So where better to start than her pregnancy? I've got a bunch of photos from the pregnancy that I'd like to be kept somewhere as I really wanted to make sure I documented it this time around, knowing for sure that this is the last time that I'll go through this journey. 

She is currently 5 weeks old, asleep on my chest on a rainy September morning. The house is quiet as both boys are back to school and we're just figuring out this new routine and life with a baby after the hectic Summer holidays when she joined us.

So here is a short run down of my pregnancy with her...

We found out that I was pregnant in November 2020, a month or two after deciding that finally we felt ready to try for another baby to join and complete our family. It's taken a good few years to get to this point but I'm so glad we did. This pregnancy was filled with anxiety from the start, I dreaded those first few months of not knowing how it would all go, whether we would make it to the magic 12 week mark and beyond. It was a hard few months. I felt pretty awful too, lots of nausea, lots of going to bed at 5pm, lots of not having energy for much at all, it was draining. We finally made it to the 12 week scan and all looked good, we were referred to the fetal medicine unit to take care of us and have extra scans to make sure all was progressing as it should. We were offered amniocentesis to check for Rohan's syndrome but decided against it at 12 weeks because of the risk of miscarriage. We then had a further scan at 16 weeks as we thought perhaps we would have the testing done then, but again decided against it, at the last minute. 

So we had an anxious wait for the 20 week scan where we would have a cardio echo to check the heart as well as an in depth anomaly scan. The heart scan thankfully looked all ok, and we went onto the fetal scan afterwards. Everything had looked good at the 16 week scan but we were told that it was too early to pick up most things, but we were still hoping that it would all look ok. It did apart from a mild kidney dilation, which we weren't expecting. It was such a blow as we were really hoping it was all 100% ok. Mild kidney dilation is the most common birth defect that can be picked up, and in itself usually isn't much to worry about as it's likely to resolve itself before birth. It's also not usually linked to any syndrome or an indicator that there is something genetic going on, but we were told that they couldn't rule out a link between it and RTS (Rohan's syndrome) and once again we were offered amnio to double check. We had many conversations with our geneticist, the consultant and my midwife about it but in the end we declined the testing again. At this stage we were hoping that it was all just a minor thing that wasn't linked to anything else. We also decided not to find out the sex of the baby. 

We were scheduled for another scan at 28 weeks, to check on the kidney and for another heart scan. I know that perhaps having the amnio would've put our minds at east to know that nothing else was going on, to be able to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy without worry (I'm not actually sure that's possible, even with testing) and to try and relax but the risk of losing the pregnancy after how far we'd come was too much of a fear for an otherwise healthy looking baby. It's a really hard decision to make and although plenty of people offered their opinion (after we asked for their advice!) it's hard to know what you'd actually do until you're faced with the decision yourself. 

We finally made it to the 28 week scan after what felt like an age, and we were so relieved to find that the kidney issue had resolved itself. Everything else still looked good too, so much so that our consultant felt comfortable to discharge us from her care and for the rest of the pregnancy to be handled by the midwives. It was such a relief. Getting to that point, through all the worry, the triggers from Rohan's pregnancy, the decisions, the not knowing. It all really took it's toll, and thankfully I was referred to the psychology team to help me manage my feelings for the rest of the pregnancy. I did still feel a lot of anxiety and was also gearing myself up for the birth and the final reassurance once she was here that everything looked ok. I wasn't worried about the birth itself, Rohan's had been a pretty positive experience, I was worried about the after and all the triggers of what happened after Rohan's birth and what we'd had taken away from us. 

I didn't write down much to document much of this pregnancy this time around, I feared that if I wrote down what was happening or my fears of what could happen then it would come true, that by speaking them out loud would somehow manifest them. I think that perhaps I should've done though as this has always been a really good way of processing for me, of getting the harmful thoughts that were going round my head constantly out and a way to know that they are just thoughts. I know this is a pretty brief overview of what was a stressful pregnancy, perhaps I will find time to go back over the parts we found triggering and stressful in more depth at a later point, perhaps I still need to process it all but this is a start. This is the most open I've been about what happened so far.

As the rest of the pregnancy went on I did feel excited to meet this little person growing inside of me, I felt more appreciation for what my body was doing and how it was changing, I wanted to celebrate that too. We knew that our lives were about to be very different once again but I couldn't quite let myself imagine what it would be like. Things last time with Rohan were so different once he was here, the weeks spent in hospital, all the equipment we had to come home with, the worry and all the appointments. Things were so different. The only reference to newborn days were those that we'd had with Theo, ten years ago and I was worried that I wouldn't remember what to do. I also felt guilty for the feelings we had after Rohan was born, of not wanting that experience again, which made me feel bad for Rohan. I actually had a wonderful therapy experience with my friend, who took me through something called rewind therapy where you go through a series of events in deep relaxation and let your body and mind recall the feelings. It was a really powerful experience, and I wrote a post about it here. I think it really helped to process a lot of those feelings that I had left buried deep within me surrounding Rohan's birth and journey afterwards. 

The final weeks of pregnancy finally rolled around, during the start of the summer holidays no less, which was exhausting to say the least! There was a heatwave too which wasn't fun and rising covid cases meant we didn't venture far from home at all. Full term arrived and we waited...

I can't believe I didn't document any of my pregnancy here but I'm hoping that I'll still be able to look back at this post and remember. It's such a gift to be able to read back over the years and whilst things on the internet have definitely changed I'll always be glad of this space for documenting our lives.