Why do I always find this month so difficult?
I wait for it with bated breath, watching for what it will bring and this year it feels as though all the pressure is there. I always used to love this time of year, but the past few years has slightly tainted it for me, with all that has happened around this time. I long for the Summer to be over, for the turn of the season but in reality I find it hard. I feel a little bit like that pressure is about to boil over and I'm doing my best to keep a lid on it all, but in reality I feel like I'm struggling.
This year the start of school has kind of knocked it out of me. All those little four year olds starting school being a huge big reminder that the baby we lost would have been one of them. It's still there in the back of my mind every time I saw a first day of school post, those fresh uniforms, those hands holding tightly in the playground, emotional parents trying to hold it together...a constant reminder of what could have been. As the years have gone on things around the miscarriage has become a little easier, but as this time of year rolls around I am always reminded of what we lost that September and this year it's even more poignant. Even more of a blow to the chest. I've tried to move on from it and have at least a little made some peace with it, but it at these times when you half don't expect it but half know it's coming around the corner that get me the most. It's like a little test to see if those wounds are still there. They are.
Add that to not a particularly smooth or straight forward start for Theo and a whole lot of admin for Rohan. I'm very aware that we've only got one year left before Rohan himself starts school, but that's a whole other point I'll get to in a bit. Theo has always not had the easiest time in school and perhaps it's just an environment that is difficult for him, we've always tried our hardest to help him and get support if he needs it, but recently it's becoming more and more apparent that he needs more. I don't think the school are particularly helpful in this aspect but I also feel like there's more going on underneath the surface with Theo that we need to figure out what and how we best deal with it. Which is a hard pill to swallow. I feel like this may be just the start of our journey with him and how we deal best with whatever is going on but it's all sometimes one thing too many. Especially at this time of year.
We're having to look at preschools at the same time as thinking of what school we will send Rohan to, which is a massive decision. It's also so hard because we have no idea where he'll be in a years time and what support he'll need. I don't know whether him going to a mainstream school is the best idea (I think we've ruled out Theo's current school as an option for a variety of reasons) but I also don't know if being full time in a supported school is the best either. I basically need someone to tell me what to do because I'm pretty out of my depth here. I know we need to make the best decision for Rohan, where he'll be happiest, where he'll thrive and develop and where he'll be supported. I know picking a school is a hard task for everyone but from experience with Theo I know this will be a lot harder than just going to the open evenings of the schools in our catchment area and picking the one that ticks most boxes and feels right. We've got no experience of this sort of thing, we have no view into how Rohan's future will look and how he'll react in the new environment that we'll pick for him. I know that any decision that we make isn't permanent, that it will be a constant thing that can be reassessed as Rohan's needs change but for now it feels like a very weighted decision.
It's hard also to have these conversations with other parents, especially the ones living in my village or with kids the same age as him as I know that when they say "oh they'll be in the same class" that it's unlikely that it will happen, but it's a whole conversation and a lot to feel like I have to go into and explain. I know that once again I'm probably building it up to more than it is, and actually all I could say is that we're looking into all the options for Rohan and we're not sure the local school is the best fit for him and everyone would be very understanding I'm sure, but it's just that reminder again that things aren't as straight forward for us and there's just so many more things to think about.
I'm also so aware that actually we do only have a year left with Rohan at home, before he becomes a big school boy and that fact to me just feels a little crazy. He definitely doesn't seem old enough to be going to school soon, and in fact is one of those things that I just can't picture him when thinking about him joining in with other children in his class. They'll be learning how to read and write and he can't even speak or walk at this point and we have no idea where he'll be in a year. I know that if we do choose to send him to a mainstream school he'll have a one to one and his own curriculum and goals but it would be pretty hard to not compare him to the other kids. I also have no idea how he'd deal socially with other kids and navigate things like play time and lunch time. The thing is though, is that he does thrive being around other 'typical' children. He likes to watch a lot of the time but I think he takes so much in and we really want him to be motivated and challenged to join in and develop. So that's one argument. I also think it's a great opportunity for a mainstream school to have an example of diversity and for children to be exposed to and learn about differences (and similarities!) of all children and their needs, but I guess it's hard to realise that you are that example. So there's a lot of big decisions to be made and we have no idea what will be best for Rohan. I think by looking for a mainstream preschool for him to start in January will give us a good idea of how he copes in that sort of setting. We also have a few options with school, such as he could do a split placement at a specialist school and a mainstream, or we could start him in one place for the year or so and see how he copes and then integrate him in one way or another. Basically so many unknowns so many decisions based on assumptions and just a lot to take in.
I also am just a bit sad that those baby and toddler years are coming to an end. We'll have two children in school full time in a year. I don't know whether we'll have any more children and our experience this time around has certainly been very different to the first and how we imagined it would be, so it's sort of sad that all of a sudden we're here having to make these decisions so suddenly. It honestly feels like Rohan is a two year old and the thought of him being school age just scares me, like where have the past nearly four years gone? How is he this old already? A funny thing happens when you go into survival mode, time warps and disappears and I find it so difficult to recall those first couple of years of Rohan. Everything was a little fuzzy, a little stressed and also when blocking out difficult memories you also lose some of the good, just like a giant eraser of all that happened in that time.
I know that we'll hopefully make the right decision for Rohan and that thankfully things are a little more flexible and changeable for his schooling (hopefully!) and we can try and tailor his school to his needs as time goes on, but it just has felt so full on and non stop since the start of the month and I found it really hard to cope.
Now of course everything has come to a complete stop and our lives have been flipped upside down for a while as I broke my ankle last week. It felt almost like our lives were on a runaway train, with so many things building up and time moving faster and faster and more and more being added to the pile and not being in control of any of it, things were moving at lightening speed and the brakes were not really responding until of course something had to give, something that was carrying the weight of this ever moving train had to give and it did. It was me, well my ankle, pretty savagely too. I was playing netball, for my new league team something which I was so excited for. It was my first ever game for them and right at the end I just landed badly and that was it. It means I can't walk without crutches for at least 6 weeks, I can't drive, I can't do much at all. I've been in bed for pretty much a week and Rob has had to take over. Last week was a write off as I was still in hospital for three days recovering from surgery and then at home on strong pain killers making anything other that sleeping pretty difficult. It's been a massive hit for me and all of us really. Things are disrupted and all over the place, but I know it's perhaps the universes way of making things stop and slow down, saying I need to take care of myself and I can't carry all this weight on my own. I'm gutted though, it means I can't exercise, playing netball especially for months and months which is my time for me. I've had to put work on hold as I can't manage shoots meaning loosing money and momentum just when my business was doing pretty well and this is such a busy time of year for my business. It's all been pretty bitter pills to swallow (literally) and I'm finding it frustrating being forced to take a back seat. I don't do well not being in control and this is literally the most physical way you can make me not be in control.
This time of year is cursed. Always around our wedding anniversary, or like this year actually on it. I know it maybe all happens for a reason, I felt overwhelmed and like I was struggling before this happened, but I do feel like there is something up with September. I use to like you a lot, now I just wish it didn't exist and we could skip straight to October, because I like you a little more.