The baby years
This meant I had to go through some old posts and got a little emotional about a few things. Firstly I just can't believe how grown up Theo has suddenly become, how the baby years have all but slipped away and those days seem so long ago. I watched the little flipagram I made just before Rohan was born of our last year together just as a three and it made me cry big fat tears. It's like mourning another life, and I miss those days so much. I know we've got lots of amazing times to come but it just feels like it so quickly all flashes past your eyes and Theo's babyhood has well and truly finished. He spends most of his days in someone else's care and I just miss my little mate. I miss the adventures we went on together, that time to just be devoted to him.
This by all means doesn't mean that I'm not excited about Rohan growing up, I am, but one of the things that really hit me hard about Rohan's condition was the realisation that things would be so different this time around. It just made me feel nostalgic and like I'd lost something all at once. I wanted so much for have those types of days back, was excited for the future with a new baby and the chance to watch and witness them grow and follow a similar path as Theo. I didn't want to replace Theo, but it made me feel so honoured to be able to watch his life unfold and I couldn't wait for that again. I know I will have this with Rohan, watch him take on the world, grow and love and become his own little person but I know too that it will be different. Different can be good, there can be hidden moments we're not expecting and could never imagine and I'm excited for that, but I also feel sad. I feel sad that my expectations for the future have been altered, I'm sad that the life we imagined will be different, has already been so different. I'm worried that our baby won't be able to communicate or experience life in the same way. I'm sad that he may be in pain and for what he's already been through, and I'm sad that this sometimes can stand in the way of my relationship with him. I feel like a terrible person for not just opening my arms and accepting this different situation, but I'm scared for the future. I'm mourning the loss of Theo's younger years and I'm mourning the realisation that we may not to be able to have days and years the same like that in the future. I love my baby with all my heart and wouldn't change him being here for the world, but it feels different. It feels as though sometimes I'm a little scared to love him fully, those days and weeks spent with my arms empty and no baby to feed changed something.
It's hard to explain something like this, when all your plans and expectations are completely blown away. It's hard to also explain without sounding like I'm not thankful for Rohan being here, and sounding like I don't love him as much. Because I do, he's part of our family most definitely and I couldn't imagine life without him. He gives us so much joy and I just want to squeeze him he's so cute. It's just difficult to experience that change and loss of so much.
I guess you can never fully know what lies ahead of you, how your child will develop and who they will become and in part that's the exciting bit. We certainly didn't know who Theo would be, and have had many hard moments and points with him so I know all too well that you can't predict the future or a child. But I guess it just feels like everything is a waiting game. I'm trying not to rush ahead in my thoughts and wonder about which milestones he should be hitting etc but sometimes it all catches up with you, the mourning for the life you thought you would have and the worry about what the future holds.
I think I just need a reminder that Rohan will be who he is and will do things in his own way. Our lives will adapt to each new phase and we will cherish those moments of new milestones and celebrate all those achievements even more. I hope he will know how special he is to us, and how loved he is. I want to look back on the years the same I have with Theo, and feel that pride in my chest, that nostalgia and that happiness. Because even though things seem hard at the time, like they have done at many points with Theo, looking back you forget all those and just see a beautiful child growing and blossoming to the little boy he is today. I so want that with Rohan, and I know we will have that, but for now I need to just soak up these baby days. However different they are to how I imagined.