This last year

 So seeing that I sort of failed my 52 project this year I thought I would do a little round up of my favourite photographs that I did manage to capture. I feel guilty for not completing the project as I do really treasure the photographs I managed to take and it's a lovely gift to be able to look back on at the end of the year and remember all the little moments and see how much Theo has changed and grown. I made it until June, right about when I started to feel horrendous due to the pregnancy. I'm sorry Theo, this baby is already changing things!

I kind of feel like I want to take the time too to look back and cherish these moments, and the weeks are flying by and suddenly I've had the realisation that the small amount of time as just a family of three is fast approaching its end. It's been nearly five years of just us, learning, growing and loving as a family. This boy changed our lives forever and it scares me that it's all about to change once more. I know that change is good, and I'm excited about the new adventures we will have hopefully as a family of four, and to witness the new bond that will come with Theo having a brother. 

But it does scare me, so far it's been pretty hard to focus on the future. We've just been dealing with diagnosis, updates and plans for immediately after the baby is born. I've not really let myself think that hopefully (all the fingers crossed) not too long in the near future we will have a new baby to take home, who will be healthy and who we can start our life as a family of four with. It dawned on me the other day that I will have two children. Two little beings to look after and care for. Two lives to protect and nurture and it scares me a little. I know Theo is older now, and is fiercely independent, but he still needs us, and will especially around all this time of uncertainty. 

I just hope that I can still offer him the same amount of love and attention that he needs, with all that is happening with the new baby. The same goes for the new baby. I already feel so much love for him, wriggling around inside, that it scares me for when he finally arrives. And my Theo, my heart is heavy for the love I feel for him, because as trying as he can be at times to see the pure innocence of childhood and joy written across his face is my favourite. To peek into his room as he sleeps and gaze at his perfect features, him cosy, safe and warm and marvel at all we have created and provided for him.

Parenting isn't easy in one little bit, but it's all the little moments that make it all worth it. I'm trying hard to hold onto these last few weeks of just us. The 6am wake ups with a warm body slipping into bed next to mine for a morning cuddle and a fidget, the feel of his little hand holding mine as we walk along, hearing him play contently in his bedroom acting out and imagining stories and seeing him grow and learn so many new things as he progresses through school. He is most definitely not a baby anymore, but of course will always be my first love.