Cycles

So it's been a little over a two months since my miscarriage happened, and even though it feels like I'm dragging it back up again, the truth is that it hasn't really gone away. Behind the scenes of normal life and getting back into routine, there isn't a moment in the day where I am not thinking about what happened.

In those first few weeks, even the month after it happened I felt like I had dealt with it all quite well. My rational head made sense of all that happened, I had cried my tears for it and felt as though my emotions were all in the right place. But as these things tend to do, it never really went away. As I've never had to go through something like this before, or known anyone really close to me go through it I had little experience of how long it would take to "get over it". Perhaps you don't ever really get over it? 

Two weeks after my procedure I finally returned to work, the hardest thing I had to do. A few people knew and the thought of having to explain things to my colleagues was heartbreaking. I was worried people would be asking questions about my absence and I feared I wouldn't be able answer. Having to just act normal when something like this had happened, and feeling like I couldn't fully explain something so personal to people I barely knew was something that made me so nervous. But apart from a few first shaky moments things returned to normal so quickly, with little questions asked. And thats when it started to feel weird. I was back, like normal, not pregnant. 

I think the hardest part of it all was to get my head around the fact that even though I'd spent nearly three months being pregnant, and dealing with all the effects that it had on my body, to suddenly not be anymore. There were certain dates and events that came and went, where I'd imagined I'd be pregnant. I get caught out thinking that this is when I'd be going for our scan, or that this is when I'd be starting to show etc. All to be not, just like that. I'd see pregnant ladies and think that could me be, and every time I caught a glimpse of news about the inescapable coverage of the second royal baby, it was like a punch to the gut. Probably one of the most publicised pregnancies, all around the stages I should be, and that hurts. 

When normal cycles finally returned I think it hit me the most. In big clear writing, you are NOT pregnant anymore. Like somehow I'd been holding out that it had all been a mistake and everything was fine. In the last few weeks I've had moments where conversations and images come back to me during that whole time and process, and they really take me off guard. Like I'd somehow not processed them all yet and now they were surfacing when I least expected them too. Then I started to feel the urge to be pregnant once more. 

I've been broody before when I've seen newborns, or pregnant ladies but nothing could prepare me for the feeling of needing it. It feels like slight torture as each week goes by, and another one that I'm not pregnant. Perhaps its because with Theo the whole pregnancy and impending motherhood took me by surprise, not entirely ready for it or planning that for my future, but wanting it all the same. The second time, perhaps even though we did plan it I didn't feel 100% ready either. It wasn't a longing to be pregnant, but perhaps something we should starting trying for, and then loosing that just illuminated the fact that I did actually really want a baby, and to be pregnant once more. Life is a funny old thing, and that sometimes it takes loosing something to make you realise how much you wanted it in the first place, its cruel but perhaps true. Now every week that passes and I'm not pregnant feels like torture. 

I know it will happen when it will happen, when the time is right for that baby, but it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt everyday that goes on. 

So, that's that. Just waiting, and processing.