this little blog of mine

So you all know that I seem to have a troubled relationship with the Internet, and with social networks such as twitter, but recently I have been thinking a lot about the blog world and where I fit into it.

Before starting this blog I dipped in and out of reading blogs, and even had a little blog with my sister but that was about it. But when I was pregnant and had just recently finished university and went to live with my mum in a small village where I knew no-one I decide to start this little blog. I'm not even sure of my thought process but I think I just wanted somewhere to be able to write my feelings, worries and record my progress as I entered into this whole new world. I didn't have any friends going through the same thing, or even any friends where I was, so speaking these thoughts out loud to at least the Internet seemed to help. I didn't advertise or put my blog out there, it was just my tiny little corner of the Internet where I could ramble away. It didn't even care if people read it, and wasn't sure if anyone did. In fact I wasn't really sure how people would even find it, but some did. You see I'm not very Internet savvy, I don't know any HTML, I wasn't on twitter and I'm pretty crap at browsing and spending hours online. But slowly people did read my blog and I 'met' some nice people going through the same thing especially Janet who was at pretty much the same stage as me, and is was great to chat and compare notes as it were. And for that I'm really glad I started this blog.

 As time went on I found more people were reading my blog, and when people told me they read it I was glad, but it sort of made me feel weird. I was slightly embarrassed and then felt conscious of what I was writing. It no longer was a place just for me to write whatever I was feeling, without having to censor it. I became conscious of what I was writing and what I should be saying, and sort of felt like I had to perform in a way? I hope that I have still kept up some of the integrity of my blog, but sometimes I feel guilty if I haven't posted in a while, or feel like I should write certain types of posts to conform to this whole mummy blogging thing. My blog has never had a genre really, it's not a lifestyle blog, it's not a fashion blog, it's not a food blog, perhaps it's a mummy/parenting blog, but to me it's still just a place to share some of our life (not all of it by far) and a place for me to personally record our life and to have something to look back on. Of course it's great to be able to write a post and ask for help and advice (for which I'm so grateful for all that I receive) but that's about it. I don't write reviews, sometimes I post things from pinterest that I find interesting to help me out with something, like my haircut or making a tipi, but this isn't a regular feature. By the way this isn't an attack on anyone or anyone's blog who does these things, I love reading them and find them inspiring, but is just not what I do.

 So what is the point in writing this post if I know what this blog is for? Well it's because sometimes I feel pressure and even jealously(?) that my blog should be doing more. That I should be promoting it more, putting it up on top baby blogs (I've registered it, got the button, but never got round to putting it up for some reason)doing reviews, trying to get sponsors and more readers, and posting more. Sometimes I feel like I'm lazy and I should put myself out there more, network and make my blog work for me, but then I realise I'm not that type of person. I'm terrible at networking, and I'm actually shyer on the Internet that I am in real life, where sometimes it seems as though people can create new personas online where they are outgoing, creative, chatty and interesting, when in real life they are not so much. It also makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, I think to myself 'how did that blog get so popular? They're not writing much more differently than I am, or writing about that differ subjects, they are posting some nice photographs, but I like to think that I sometimes post nice photographs too, and blah blah blah' and suddenly it feels like I'm back in school again and it's all just a huge popularity contest. I never was the most popular in school. I had my group of friends and I was happy with that, and I didn't have to try to be anyone else just to 'fit in'.

And that's what I think I have to remember with this blog. That I write it for my own reasons, and it has it's own purpose for me, and that I really shouldn't or don't need to make it into anything that it isn't. Who cares if I don't have 23,4580000 followers or even 100, I have met a small handful of other lovely wonderful bloggers through it, who I genuinely and regularly speak to, and whose blogs I love reading in return. It's a small world that I can keep on top of. I know my family and friends enjoy reading this blog and keeping up to date with our family life and I'm happy to keep it that way. And hopefully one day when Theo is older we can look back at this blog and see not how many followers or page views I received, but at what I captured, recorded and remembered.

 edit: i changed the last bit, because I do love receiving comments, that's the great part about blogging!