Admitting defeat

Well it's not so over dramatic as my title sounds, but it is a little turn around anyway.

So, things are changing yet again. After Rob didn't get his job in Cardiff, I got all excited about living in a flat in Bristol. Me and Rob went to letting agents, and looked online and went to see about 4 flats in the short time I was in Bristol last week. We saw one quite nice one. Also Rob went to see 2 on Friday, and one sounded pretty nice indeed. But alas this week we have been worrying about the big bad wolf that is money.

We realised quickly that even if we both were working full time this would only give us enough money to cover rent and bills, just. So no saving for baby, and just worrying about money all of the time. This is if we were both working, which after the baby comes, I won't be working, for about a year (hopefully) But I did some research into maternity pay, tax credits and child benefit, and it seemed like we could hopefully still get by.

But I think Rob's parents started to become worried, especially as we were looking at flats, and don't have jobs secured. But for me I didn't really see another option.

But this weekend, Rob's parents sat down with him to talk through options. They suggested to Rob that we come to live with them. As their house is quite crammed (I use the word 'quite' lightly) they would have to do alot of moving around. Firstly Rob's dad would move hi office downstairs, and his brother, when not at uni, would move into that room. That would then mean that Rob and I would have his old bedroom, and Rob's bedroom as well. One room for a bedroom, one for living. They also suggested that we could buy our own food, and cook when we wanted, as to give us independence. They would have to work out us paying them some money each month, but I imagine it will be considerably less than paying Bristol rent, council tax and bills. So all in all a good suggestion, with them being very compromising, flexible and kind.

Rob told me all of this, and I cried and got scared and worried. Mainly my worries were about losing my independence, not feeling like it is my home and not being able to make my own decisions. I sat in the bath and had a good long think.

But before you all jump to conclusions thinking that I'm ungrateful for the offer I shall take this opportunity to explain some things that I have recently realised about myself.

Firstly I'm stubborn. Very stubborn indeed. I don't like people telling me what to do, and what is best.

I also like to be in control. I like to plan and I like to know where I'm going and what I'm doing. I need my feet firmly on the ground, and the path set out ahead of me. I don't like it when unseen things come in and change the plan that's in my head.

Also I'm proud. I'm proud of my independence, and I'm too proud to ask for help usually. I'd much rather suffer for a while and then ask for help only when there is no other option. I'm not very good at people offering it unexpectedly.

I like to be seen and treated as an adult, being able to make decisions as an adult and being respected for them.

Finally the idea of home is pretty much the most important thing to me in the world. It's something that I have been striving for, for a very long time. I imagine it's since the break up of my family home, and since then, never really feeling like I had a home of my own, or a real place that I could call home. I was desperate to leave uni, so I could finally stop living in a student house, and be responsible for myself, and not a whole house of people. When Rob and I decided to keep the baby, I found myself dreaming of a house or a flat together where we could have all of our own things, our own routines, and our own un-compromised space.

So when Rob's parents suggested that we move in with them I felt all of the above being threatened. I know its silly and may not make sense to other people, but this is the way I am and the person who I have grown to be.

But over time I have also realised that everyone needs to change and compromise and do things that are best not just for myself, but for everyone.

...

So of course I agreed that I would go and live with Rob in his parents house. It is sort of temporary, until perhaps we can save enough money and Rob finds a good job. But it may mean having to live with the baby there too. Which is ok.

There is also one more thing I would like to stress, and that is, that when we made the decision to keep the baby, I in no way expected anyone to be there to palm the baby off too. I made the decision to have a baby in full knowledge that it is MY baby, and I will have to look after it. I felt that at this stage in my life, I would be able to do this. And in no way felt that I could just rely on other people to do the hard work for me. But at the same time I am very grateful for all the help and support that has been offered.

So that's about it for now.

I shall update later with photos and other goings on. PROMS.

p.s I was a little worried that my blog is getting boring, or that it is changing from what is originally was, about thoughts and feelings, to just a report of what I have been doing. I can't really tell what is going on. I guess because I keep on doing things I feel like talking about them, but perhaps I am taking up too much time explaining all of that, and not just concentrating on my silly little worries and feelings.

What do you think? Has it changed, is it getting boring? TELL ME!

oh and p.p.s

I'm going to blame these personality traits on being a capricorn.