Preparing for heart surgery
It's finally come around, this great big looming beast of a thing that we've been avoiding for the past few years, well actually in fact since he was born. Last week after what we thought would be a routine cardiology appointment we found out that Rohan suddenly needs the big heart surgery they've been talking about.
We'd not seen Cardiology for coming up to nearly a year after a change in consultants and what I can imagine as Rohan falling slightly through the net, but after I rang round quite a few different departments chasing other appointments we got a new clinic date fairly swiftly. We've not noticed any change in Rohan's heart or symptoms from the outside but as his echo shows the problem that they've been waiting to get bad enough to have it repaired is now definitely bad enough...worse than they thought. So cue a lot of slightly panicked tests and an x-ray and we were down on the list to be discussed at the big consultant and surgeon meeting.
We then received the call on Friday to say that he's due for surgery on the 4th December. And all of a sudden it's very real.
My mind has already done that thing though where I've switched off the emotional response to it all and have gone to practical and reasoning about it all. Like it knows we've just got to get through these next few weeks and that I know it's going to be difficult and scary and heartbreaking to see him go through such a massive procedure and recovery but we know it's got to happen all the same. It's like getting on an uncomfortable bus knowing you've got to endure a long journey with no option to get off or wait for another, but hopefully the journey will be worth it. I'm hoping that the end result and final destination will put us in a better place, one where there's not this looming dread always at the back of our minds, that it will buy us a few more years without any other major surgery. We know it's got to be done but we also know it's going to be horrible.
I just feel so sad for him, for not being able to understand what's going to happen to him, why he'll be in a lot of pain afterwards, why he has to be in hospital. He's so unaware of all that is going on and it makes me feel terrible that next week we'll be walking him into hospital knowing that his little body is about to endure this huge thing.
I also feel sad for Theo, that this month, this fun and magical build up to Christmas is going to changed so dramatically. We're not going to be around, we won't be able to do a lot of the fun things all together that we usually do and I'm sad that this may be one of the last years where he fully believes in Christmas and I'm worried that we'll miss it. If all goes well we should be out before Christmas so we can still enjoy the actual day together, but for me it's the build up that is most exciting and I hate that this year it's going to be tainted and disrupted. I know in the grand scheme of things this surgery is more important than Christmas and this is just the way it is, but I feel like I'm constantly battling with this notion of Theo growing up so fast and rapidly approaching this time of when he's not such an innocent kid anymore and the magic of it all slowly disappearing.
I know in reality it's just a few weeks, but when you're in hospital time stretches and warps and 10 days feels like a month, and things always have a funny habit of taking longer than they should. But I guess we just know we have to get through it, we will get home, he will be better and will recover and we just have to trust that he's going to be in the very best hands. We're all hoping that we will be out before Christmas.
I don't think I'll really let it sink in or let myself overwhelmed by what's about to happen, I'll probably do the same and bury the trauma of it all deep down until it's ready to come up again because this little boy, and Theo too will need us in these next few weeks. So it's survival mode on. (I can tell by the way I'm writing that I'm already braced and robotic about what's about to happen, but at least I'm aware of it this time right? That's a bit of progress)
I also wanted to try and get a few photos of Rohan's little body before he's left with a big scar right down the middle. The before. I just feel sad for him, that he has no idea.