My worried shoes
Today's post is going to be pretty pointless, as I have not done much today. Well I've done a lot of the things I needed to do, I even made a list, and completed ALL of my tasks! (I had 14 things to do, which included going to post letters and hoovering and washing my car!)
Not that this a great achievement, but there were just lots of little things that needed to be done, that I've not had time to do. This was my admin day.
(I also drew a face on my belly, whilst I was talking to my sister on skype, we laughed)
I couldn't be bothered to take pictures of my clothes that I bought, I was tired, ok? After cleaning my car I realised that it was actually quite late, so i lay on the sofa and watched grand designs.
Oh my favourite Grand designs was on the other week, the one where the man builds his house in his woodland, out of all natural things, and all the wood coming from his own woodland. He's a master carpenter and builds it using traditional methods and volunteers. It's probably the most beautiful house I've even seen on grand designs. And when Kevin, hi Kevin, goes back a year and a half later, he has a wife and a baby. I cried.
You know what else I cried at the other day, I have been watching all of the old series's of Teachers on 4od, and in the last episode of the 1st series one of the students gives birth, I cried then. I've been crying a lot recently, it would seem....
I had a really horrible dream last night, that consisted of me trying to get hold of a midwife fro ages on the phone, and it involved some blood, and the midwife saying that there was no choice but to have an abortion. Sorry this is a bit graphic, perhaps I shouldn't share this. But I woke up and it was really horrible. I was also having stomach pains, down my left side, which I've had recently, but when I asked about it at my appointment, the midwife said it's just my ligaments stretching.
So last night when I woke up at 5.30 I couldn't get back to sleep, so I checked on the internet for symptoms and things like. It's weird, if you have some symptoms like slight cramps or a tiny bit of bleeding, then its nothing, and is normal, but it could also mean that there is something seriously wrong. There's just no way of knowing. So I was reassured that I was fine, but also started to worry that if things got worse, then it would mean there was something wrong. There is a very thin line between ok, and not ok.
To be honest I'm terrified, as I'm sure most women in my position are, of things going wrong. I know now that I'm 4 months now things should be more guaranteed that its going to be ok, but I still worry that it's not, and I know that things can go wrong. I know this is probably just the start of a lifetime of worrying about this child, if it makes it to the outside.
Anyway enough with the worrying, worrying never gets you anywhere. I did phone the midwife today though to check everything was ok. She said that all my blood test results were fine, and just to monitor things, and I can always call my doctors if I think something is wrong.
I didn't take photos of clothes, but I took ones of my stomach. Not that much has changed in a week.
I'm starting to get impatient. I want a belly and I want it now. It's weird to say, but I get jealous when I see women with pregnant belly's. It's like then it's real and it's there.
Before I was pregnant I never realised that actually you spend over half of it not really showing that you are pregnant. I just assumed, from my knowledge gathered from films and tv, that once you were pregnant, then boom there's a belly ( much like in the sims when they get pregnant, it just pops out after they get out of bed in the middle of the night and time goes slowly)
This is all very silly, but it seems as though things are going really slowly for me. I want a belly, I want to feel the baby moving, I want to know the gender, I want it to be September so I can live with Rob and we can go through this together like a real couple who are having a baby together. But it's always so long away. I know I won't be saying this soon, and I should be relishing the last of my free time EVER, but its frustrating.
This post was supposed to be short. But it's just ended up with me worrying and moaning. Aren't I delightful?
The only thing I have noticed about my belly is that it's getting more like the size it was before when I pushed my stomach out, but that's its normal sticky outness, does that makes sense. Who cares!
Oh and these are my new pyjamas, £2 from Primark, and in size 18, so you know I can grow..eventually.
I played my belly Fionn Regan today (old album) and Karon O and a the kids, where the wild things are soundtrack.
Can't think of anything else to say right now. So I think I'll leave it there, and save some more witty banter and pearls of wisdom for my next post! How exciting!